Sunday, January 15, 2017

Anxiety and Depression: My Personal Struggle



I have to start by saying that this is an EXTREMELY difficult post for me.

My blog page is a little at odds with the topic at hand. That's because, in spite of how impossibly hard my life can SEEM at times, I've chosen to always strive to live it without focusing on the shadows. It's never easy, and sometimes I fail miserably, but it's always essential to "keep your face always toward the sunshine" in order to make it back to "happy".

I write not to elicit sympathy, but to openly and honestly shed light upon my own personal experience with this illness for those who genuinely don't understand what it's like. My intent is not to be negative or bring anyone down, but simply to bring awareness to a disease that countless people struggle with on a daily basis and one that is so overwhelmingly misunderstood. Will my one personal account make much difference? Probably not... At least not significantly. But if I can help bring understanding to some who are unaware of the devastating toll that severe anxiety and depression can have on a victim's everyday life and likewise bring about a better attitude of acceptance... Then my purpose here will have been accomplished. 

**Please know that I do not wish to enable anyone who is unnecessarily moping or having a "pity party" about their current situation. I have been there myself more than I'd like to admit, and I know how easy it is to fall into that routine. But I am NOT writing this to support such behavior or to encourage anyone else who is not a victim of anxiety/depression to do so. Granted, it can be hard to tell the difference between those moods and someone who is genuinely suffering from a true mood disorder, and sadly, there ARE some who will take advantage of that. And of course, there are those like myself who have a tendency to lapse into unnecessary moping and self pity BECAUSE of their condition. It's easy to do when things look so dark. It's an unfortunate reality of life. I must admit, it can be difficult or even impossible to tell when someone is truly suffering with a mood disorder, so I legitimately understand why people are so hesitant to be sympathetic or even acknowledge the sufferer's issue as a real and true problem. I suppose that has to be left to everyone's discretion.**

But I promise you... Anxiety and depression are painfully real, and devastatingly difficult to deal with.

I don't want to get too technical, but there is a difference between clinical depression and situational depression. I'm sure most of you are aware of that already. For those who don't know, situational depression is just what it sounds like: a drastic decrease in mood as a direct result of some sort of tragic or difficult life event. I would guess that most of us have been there and know exactly how heartbreaking it feels. 

Clinical depression isn't so linear... It's a result of a chemical imbalance in brain chemicals, and it can happen anytime, for no particular reason at all, perhaps even during the happiest time of your life. This is the form of depression that is so widely misunderstood by so many, and with good reason. It is nonsensical and profoundly disorienting, and for that reason, it is all the more destructive. Add anxiety on top of that, which is--at its most basic--excessive worry and constant overthinking, and you get one soul crushing, mentally debilitating, emotionally exhausting disorder.


My personal struggle began somewhere around age 15. I was perfectly in love with school. My sisters and I had a happy life at home. I was at worship and bible study every time the doors were open and very grounded in my faith. I was blissfully unaware of the personal struggles of mental illness and had absolutely no reason to be unhappy with any aspect of my life. 

Out of nowhere, without cause or reason, an unbearably heavy weight of dread settled into my heart and caused my soul to despair. Everything was full of this deep ache that I still have trouble putting into words. Waking up every morning was a painful struggle. Dragging myself from my bed to prepare myself for the day was more than I could bear at times. There were so many days I didn't think I would even make it to the next because of the immense hurt and feeling of dread. I cried myself to sleep many nights, and woke feeling no sense of release, only a renewed sense of overwhelming sadness, fear, and heaviness in my heart. As blessed as I was, this senseless weight had taken possession of every positive emotion I could possibly feel, and I was absolutely hopeless.

I felt I was losing my mind. Who feels such a deep ache in the midst of such a blessed life? I started questioning every single thing I had always held dear, including my faith. I wondered whether God was truly there, and if He was, why He would allow me to experience such intense pain. I prayed. I continued showing up at church, trying to believe things would get better... but my heart wasn't in it. After what felt an eternity of agony, I didn't know what else to do or where else to turn... So I finally sought advice from my doctor, from whom I then received my first diagnosis of clinical depression. This lifted the weight just slightly. I was finally moving forward. I was finally going to get help. There were medicines out there that could re-balance the chemicals in my brain that had gone awry. After weeks and weeks, I started to feel my way back to the light, back to HOPE. I had never been so grateful for anything.

Until it happened AGAIN. And again. 

And again...

Anxiety and depression have always gone hand in hand in my life... but at times, one would flare up immensely worse than the other. When depression is at its heaviest, I feel listless, empty, hopeless... hurting so much. When anxiety is stronger, my heart races, my thoughts run triple time, I question solid facts, I doubt strong relationships, I become overly emotional and panicked. My breath becomes shallow, I experience dizziness and light-headedness, and the pain from depression is intensified. These anxiety attacks are unspeakably terrible and leave me utterly exhausted. Experiencing one or the other is unbearable. But to experience both at the same time? There are absolutely no words.

Fast forward 12 years, and I am still in the process of overcoming the worst bout of anxiety and depression that I have EVER dealt with. In recent months, I have come to terms with the fact that my diagnosis is something I'll have to cope with for the rest of my life. That wasn't an easy revelation by any means... In fact, I still struggle with that notion every single day of my life. But accepting that has been an important part of the treatment process.

The absolute WORST thing I can say about my personal struggle with anxiety and depression is that it takes a toll on my relationships with my family and closest friends. That's what truly breaks my heart the most. I cherish the people I am closest to SO much, and to think that I am causing them any stress or burdening them in any way is almost more than I can bear. I make every effort to internalize and talk myself down from episodes, but I've never been one to hold EVERYTHING in. Sometimes it spills over. That causes me to fear that I will lose people. This triggers extra anxiety, and it becomes a vicious cycle. This is something I deal with to this day, and I fear I always will. But for the sake of my family and dear friends, I truly hope and pray that's not the case. I can't speak for everyone, but this is likely a worry for them as well, and something they probably would like for their loved ones to understand.

While this post was mostly for awareness, I also want to express the most heartfelt thanks possible to those who have stood by me and continue to stick with me during this journey. I think you all know who you are. My dear family and friends, thank you for getting me through! I know God is with me, and that's the most important thing... but to have a few people who will travel with me every single step of this long, sometimes difficult life is the biggest blessing I could ever have asked for! You all mean more to me than you could EVER know, and I want to thank you so very much for your love and your patience, and for your promise to stay in it for the long haul! Life can be incredibly difficult and unimaginably dark at times... but there is also incredible beauty in it if you have family and friends who love you and care about you.

If you've read this far, I so appreciate your attention and willingness to understand something so dark and difficult. I mentioned from the beginning that I truly do recognize just why it is so hard to sympathize with something so enigmatic, so I'm grateful that you took the time to read my account! My hope is that if you've never experienced a mood disorder or mental illness of some kind, you never have to! But I also hope that if you have a family member, friend, coworker, or acquaintance who suffers from anxiety or depression, you understand more about how very real the darkness and despair is to them. Always be prayerful and encouraging, and most importantly... Love them despite everything that comes with their illness and try never to give up on them; they (we) know JUST how exhausting it is and appreciate that more than you could ever know!

I also want to share some encouragement:
If YOU are struggling, there is something I want YOU to know:
Regardless of whether or not you think people care, or you think you will always struggle, or you feel so hopeless you think happiness will never come again... Trust me. There is ALWAYS hope. Even when I am feeling my absolute lowest and I don't feel it myself... I PROMISE it is there. It's in your family. It's in your friends. It's in your church family. It's in the beauty of nature. It's in GOD. And even  though you may feel like every last shred of hope is gone, I can tell you that it is in YOU! We are still here, and we are still fighting. I want you to know that you are not alone. And I want you to know that if you ever need someone to talk to, someone who understands, I am here. 

The most important thing of all? God is working in your life. You may not feel it, but I promise you He is there. He really does care, and He will see you through.

Don't lose faith. Keep hoping. Keep praying.

And always remember that you are never alone.


Thank you all! I love you guys! ❤

Friday, June 21, 2013

Grand Cayman Mission Trip 2013

As most of you know already, I recently returned from a 10 day mission trip to Grand Cayman Island.  I NEVER would have considered doing anything like this a couple years ago because everything about it was so outside my comfort zone. Thankfully though, I had someone gently pushing me in that direction for a while, and I am SO glad that I finally came around and decided to go. Turns out that even if it’s really hard to see yourself actually doing it, getting outside your comfort zone is one of the BEST things you can do for yourself and for others too.

I don’t know if I have adequate words to describe what my personal experience was like, but I’ll do the best I can.  In short, this trip changed my life for the better.  I experienced a lot of “firsts” during those 10 days: flying on a plane, leaving the country, being away from all members of my family, going door knocking, sitting in on a bible study, etc. I got to meet new people (both on the island and as part of the mission team) and feel very blessed to have so many new friends! I became so much closer with friends I’ve been acquainted with for years but who I’ve never REALLY taken the time to get to know. In doing mission work, I feel that I have a new way of looking at things and a stronger willingness to reach out to others.  

I thought I would share a few of the neat experiences that some of us had relating to the mission work and the people we got to know while we were in Grand Cayman.  First, it’s always wonderful when you invite someone to a gospel meeting and they tell you they’ll try to come if they can, but it’s such a great feeling to actually see them there and to know that their hearts were open to hearing the Word! That happened with several of our groups, and it was great!! I was able to help teach a class of four young children, and they were so very sweet and kept us smiling! We also had the opportunity to attend a youth devotional where we did team building exercises, had good life-application lessons, and played basketball afterward (well, they guys played while the girls watched). Several of us were able to visit a nursing home in Georgetown one afternoon, and it was wonderful to know that their spirits were lifted by our visit (and vice versa).There were so many great speakers (both from the U.S. and the Caribbean) that delivered powerful messages each evening. It was just so wonderful to meet and know everyone at the West Bay and East End congregations!! Going out into the surrounding communities to invite people to the gospel meeting was such a blessing as well, and I hope those that we talked to continue to consider attending services at the congregations there. We planted the seed and can only trust that God will give the increase (1 Cor. 3:6)!

There were quite a few Bible studies conducted while we were there, and I was fortunate enough to be present for one! We talked with a very sweet lady named Audrey. She had told us initially that she would not be able to attend our gospel meeting that night, and this was during our last full day in Grand Cayman. We sat with her for a while and discussed things with her… when it was time for us to leave, she told us she had decided she would come with us! We were elated!! Our group of five got to pick her up in the church van and ride to the church building with her. After the gospel meeting, we took her back home where she shared her family pictures with us. We exchanged numbers/addresses and said our goodbyes. The next day (the day we were leaving the island), I got a phone call from Mrs. Audrey; she wanted to see us again before we left for the U.S.! She actually came to our hotel and we got to talk with her in the lobby before we packed our things to leave! It was so neat to get to know her, and I’m so glad she was able to attend the gospel meeting with us.

In all honesty, returning to “reality” has been a struggle for me. I know I’m driving everyone crazy because I can’t seem to talk about anything else and keep wishing I could go back. I have talked to others who’ve gone on the trip, and their hearts are still in Grand Cayman as well. That’s what trips like this will do for you; they really touch your heart, and you are simply not the same after all is said and done.  I’ll settle back in soon I’m sure, but I believe that everything I took away from the 2013 Grand Cayman Mission Trip will always stay with me, and I’m looking forward to future opportunities like this one!! It is my hope that everyone on the mission team and the residents we got to know at Grand Cayman were as blessed as I have been because of this experience!

I could say so much more and describe everything that happened in detail, but I would literally be writing a book if I did that! I wouldn’t expect you all to stick with my post for that long. J I do want to thank anyone who had even a small role in making this happen for me personally and for the mission team as a whole. Whether it was through monetary contributions, prayers for the mission work, or simple encouragement, it was much appreciated!! If you can’t be a missionary, you can be a supporter of mission work, and that’s just as important!


“Alright team, hands in…. one, two, three, GRAND CAYMAN!!!” :)
 


This is one of my FAVORITE pictures now! It makes me so happy! :)
 
 
Our group picture (minus photographer Chrissy) on the last day.
 
 
The congregation at West Bay Church of Christ. Such wonderful people!!


Monday, April 22, 2013

Happiness is Just a Hug Away

A friend pointed out to me the other night that I’ve basically let my blog fall by the wayside during the past few weeks.  I was pretty motivated when I started out, then things got kind of hectic for a little bit (new job, new mission trip developments, good news, sad news, etc.), so I haven’t been able to sit down and think of something new to write about.  To my handful of followers, I’m sorry for my absence! ;-)

I’ve been thinking lately about the importance of hugs. They’re so universal that I’m not sure many people think about the actual concept. Do you ever consciously recognize how much better you feel after a really good hug? It can do SO much to lift your mood, and not just for the 5 seconds during the hug itself; it’s a warmth that stays with you for a pretty good while if you’re anything like me.  Of course, I should recognize that not all people are the same, and there are plenty of people out there who would rather get a phone call, card in the mail, etc. (both of which I also love, by the way).  But I think I speak for the majority of people when I say that a hug is always appreciated, regardless of how much or little you enjoy actually getting them. The reason for this is, of course, the sentiment behind the hug. The fact that someone thought enough about you to recognize that you need encouragement (or whatever else you might get from a hug) means so much. 

I’ve read several different quotes about hugs as well, and they describe just how special they can be better than I can.  Here are my favorites:
  • A hug is like a boomerang - you get it back right away.  ~Bil Keane, “Family Circus”
  • You can't wrap love in a box, but you can wrap a person in a hug.  ~Author Unknown
  • A hug is a handshake from the heart.  ~Author Unknown
  • ...A hug is an amazing thing
    It's just the perfect way
    To show the love we're feeling
    But can't find the words to say....
    ~Johnny Ray Ryder, Jr., "A Simple Hug"
  • A hug is worth a thousand words.  ~Author Unknown
  • A hug is two hearts wrapped in arms.  ~Author Unknown
Finally, the very best thing about a good hug is that it is never selfish. No matter who you’re getting a hug from, you’re always giving one too.

So hug away, my friends! J

Friday, February 8, 2013

"It's the little things in life..."

I can think of several pretty significant things that make me happy. Among the highest on that list are spending time with my loved ones, travelling and seeing more of God's wonderful creation, and most importantly, being a Christian.  These blessings are the building blocks of my overall foundation of happiness.  Then there are the little things that bring a smile to my face just from day to day.

The Book of Awesome by Neil Pasricha is dedicated to these little things that make us happy. If you're like me, the smallest of things can go a long way to increasing your mood. In fact, that must be true for a lot of people, because the quote by Gretchen Rubin (author of The Happiness Project) on the front of the book says, "Little things, as it turns out, are extremely important to happiness, and The Book of Awesome will remind you of a thousand little things that will make you happier."

Here are my favorites from the book:
  • The other side of the pillow
  • Popping bubble wrap
  • Fixing electronics by smacking them
  • Hitting a bunch of green lights in a row
  • Tripping and realizing no one saw you
  • The sound of scissors cutting construction paper
  • Waking up before your alarm clock and realizing you've got lots of sleep time left
  • The smell of crayons
  • Licking the batter off the beaters of a cake mixer
  • The thank-you wave when you let someone merge in front of you
  • The smell of rain on a hot sidewalk
  • Old folks who sit on their porch and wave as you walk/drive by
  • The smell of coffee
  • Staring out at calm water
  • Finally remembering a word or thought that's been on the tip of your tongue for so long
  • Putting potato chips on a sandwich
  • The smell of freshly cut grass
  • A long hug when you really need it (or a hug anytime!)
  • Laughing so hard you make no sound at all
  • The smell and sound of a campfire
  • The smell of books
  • Snow falling on Christmas Eve
  • The smell of gasoline
  • Your pillow
  • Getting something handwritten in the mail
  • The laugh echo-when you laugh out loud after suddenly remembering something that happened a while ago
  • Remembering how fortunate we are to be here right now
Are there any of these that you especially agree with? Any more that you think should make the list? If you'd like to read more, you can also visit the website 1000awesomethings.com.
I hope just reading these will bring a smile to your face as they did for me! :)

Monday, February 4, 2013

Welcome!

Hi all!  Thanks for visiting my blog! Thought I'd give this a try... I'm a pretty reflective person, but I don't generally take the time to write my thoughts down anywhere. We'll see if I can keep this up!  I used to keep a diary when I was younger, and I wrote in it faithfully for about a week. Then I'd pull it out every month or so to write in it, then maybe once a year... I'm actually not too sure where it is at the moment...

Anyway, here's to hoping I can put more effort into blog writing! I'm thinking this will work out better for me because I can write for a wider audience than just myself--much more beneficial overall.  My motivation for starting a blog came after reading some others.  I love the idea of keeping up with my friends and family, but I also appreciate the fact that some of the blogs I've read can be very helpful and encouraging; that's mainly what I've set out to do here.  My blog will probably be a little of this and that at times, but for the most part, it's about being happy and sharing an encouraging word. If you're willing (and if I can stick with it), then stick with me! I hope I can bring a smile to your face and joy to your heart--and then you can pay it forward! :)

Have a fantastic day!