I have to start by saying that this is an EXTREMELY difficult post for me.
My blog page is a little at odds with the topic at hand. That's because, in spite of how impossibly hard my life can SEEM at times, I've chosen to always strive to live it without focusing on the shadows. It's never easy, and sometimes I fail miserably, but it's always essential to "keep your face always toward the sunshine" in order to make it back to "happy".
I write not to elicit sympathy, but to openly and honestly shed light upon my own personal experience with this illness for those who genuinely don't understand what it's like. My intent is not to be negative or bring anyone down, but simply to bring awareness to a disease that countless people struggle with on a daily basis and one that is so overwhelmingly misunderstood. Will my one personal account make much difference? Probably not... At least not significantly. But if I can help bring understanding to some who are unaware of the devastating toll that severe anxiety and depression can have on a victim's everyday life and likewise bring about a better attitude of acceptance... Then my purpose here will have been accomplished.
**Please know that I do not wish to enable anyone who is unnecessarily moping or having a "pity party" about their current situation. I have been there myself more than I'd like to admit, and I know how easy it is to fall into that routine. But I am NOT writing this to support such behavior or to encourage anyone else who is not a victim of anxiety/depression to do so. Granted, it can be hard to tell the difference between those moods and someone who is genuinely suffering from a true mood disorder, and sadly, there ARE some who will take advantage of that. And of course, there are those like myself who have a tendency to lapse into unnecessary moping and self pity BECAUSE of their condition. It's easy to do when things look so dark. It's an unfortunate reality of life. I must admit, it can be difficult or even impossible to tell when someone is truly suffering with a mood disorder, so I legitimately understand why people are so hesitant to be sympathetic or even acknowledge the sufferer's issue as a real and true problem. I suppose that has to be left to everyone's discretion.**
But I promise you... Anxiety and depression are painfully real, and devastatingly difficult to deal with.
I don't want to get too technical, but there is a difference between clinical depression and situational depression. I'm sure most of you are aware of that already. For those who don't know, situational depression is just what it sounds like: a drastic decrease in mood as a direct result of some sort of tragic or difficult life event. I would guess that most of us have been there and know exactly how heartbreaking it feels.
Clinical depression isn't so linear... It's a result of a chemical imbalance in brain chemicals, and it can happen anytime, for no particular reason at all, perhaps even during the happiest time of your life. This is the form of depression that is so widely misunderstood by so many, and with good reason. It is nonsensical and profoundly disorienting, and for that reason, it is all the more destructive. Add anxiety on top of that, which is--at its most basic--excessive worry and constant overthinking, and you get one soul crushing, mentally debilitating, emotionally exhausting disorder.
My personal struggle began somewhere around age 15. I was perfectly in love with school. My sisters and I had a happy life at home. I was at worship and bible study every time the doors were open and very grounded in my faith. I was blissfully unaware of the personal struggles of mental illness and had absolutely no reason to be unhappy with any aspect of my life.
Out of nowhere, without cause or reason, an unbearably heavy weight of dread settled into my heart and caused my soul to despair. Everything was full of this deep ache that I still have trouble putting into words. Waking up every morning was a painful struggle. Dragging myself from my bed to prepare myself for the day was more than I could bear at times. There were so many days I didn't think I would even make it to the next because of the immense hurt and feeling of dread. I cried myself to sleep many nights, and woke feeling no sense of release, only a renewed sense of overwhelming sadness, fear, and heaviness in my heart. As blessed as I was, this senseless weight had taken possession of every positive emotion I could possibly feel, and I was absolutely hopeless.
I felt I was losing my mind. Who feels such a deep ache in the midst of such a blessed life? I started questioning every single thing I had always held dear, including my faith. I wondered whether God was truly there, and if He was, why He would allow me to experience such intense pain. I prayed. I continued showing up at church, trying to believe things would get better... but my heart wasn't in it. After what felt an eternity of agony, I didn't know what else to do or where else to turn... So I finally sought advice from my doctor, from whom I then received my first diagnosis of clinical depression. This lifted the weight just slightly. I was finally moving forward. I was finally going to get help. There were medicines out there that could re-balance the chemicals in my brain that had gone awry. After weeks and weeks, I started to feel my way back to the light, back to HOPE. I had never been so grateful for anything.
Until it happened AGAIN. And again.
And again...
Anxiety and depression have always gone hand in hand in my life... but at times, one would flare up immensely worse than the other. When depression is at its heaviest, I feel listless, empty, hopeless... hurting so much. When anxiety is stronger, my heart races, my thoughts run triple time, I question solid facts, I doubt strong relationships, I become overly emotional and panicked. My breath becomes shallow, I experience dizziness and light-headedness, and the pain from depression is intensified. These anxiety attacks are unspeakably terrible and leave me utterly exhausted. Experiencing one or the other is unbearable. But to experience both at the same time? There are absolutely no words.
Fast forward 12 years, and I am still in the process of overcoming the worst bout of anxiety and depression that I have EVER dealt with. In recent months, I have come to terms with the fact that my diagnosis is something I'll have to cope with for the rest of my life. That wasn't an easy revelation by any means... In fact, I still struggle with that notion every single day of my life. But accepting that has been an important part of the treatment process.
The absolute WORST thing I can say about my personal struggle with anxiety and depression is that it takes a toll on my relationships with my family and closest friends. That's what truly breaks my heart the most. I cherish the people I am closest to SO much, and to think that I am causing them any stress or burdening them in any way is almost more than I can bear. I make every effort to internalize and talk myself down from episodes, but I've never been one to hold EVERYTHING in. Sometimes it spills over. That causes me to fear that I will lose people. This triggers extra anxiety, and it becomes a vicious cycle. This is something I deal with to this day, and I fear I always will. But for the sake of my family and dear friends, I truly hope and pray that's not the case. I can't speak for everyone, but this is likely a worry for them as well, and something they probably would like for their loved ones to understand.
While this post was mostly for awareness, I also want to express the most heartfelt thanks possible to those who have stood by me and continue to stick with me during this journey. I think you all know who you are. My dear family and friends, thank you for getting me through! I know God is with me, and that's the most important thing... but to have a few people who will travel with me every single step of this long, sometimes difficult life is the biggest blessing I could ever have asked for! You all mean more to me than you could EVER know, and I want to thank you so very much for your love and your patience, and for your promise to stay in it for the long haul! Life can be incredibly difficult and unimaginably dark at times... but there is also incredible beauty in it if you have family and friends who love you and care about you.
If you've read this far, I so appreciate your attention and willingness to understand something so dark and difficult. I mentioned from the beginning that I truly do recognize just why it is so hard to sympathize with something so enigmatic, so I'm grateful that you took the time to read my account! My hope is that if you've never experienced a mood disorder or mental illness of some kind, you never have to! But I also hope that if you have a family member, friend, coworker, or acquaintance who suffers from anxiety or depression, you understand more about how very real the darkness and despair is to them. Always be prayerful and encouraging, and most importantly... Love them despite everything that comes with their illness and try never to give up on them; they (we) know JUST how exhausting it is and appreciate that more than you could ever know!
I also want to share some encouragement:
If YOU are struggling, there is something I want YOU to know:
Regardless of whether or not you think people care, or you think you will always struggle, or you feel so hopeless you think happiness will never come again... Trust me. There is ALWAYS hope. Even when I am feeling my absolute lowest and I don't feel it myself... I PROMISE it is there. It's in your family. It's in your friends. It's in your church family. It's in the beauty of nature. It's in GOD. And even though you may feel like every last shred of hope is gone, I can tell you that it is in YOU! We are still here, and we are still fighting. I want you to know that you are not alone. And I want you to know that if you ever need someone to talk to, someone who understands, I am here.
The most important thing of all? God is working in your life. You may not feel it, but I promise you He is there. He really does care, and He will see you through.
Don't lose faith. Keep hoping. Keep praying.
And always remember that you are never alone.
Thank you all! I love you guys! ❤
